


a short rendezvous

by frenchleaves



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Voldemort Wins, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Idiots in Love, Minor Character Death, Sirius (and James by correlation) are mentioned in passing, Snakes With Feelings, The Author Regrets Everything, The Giant Squid's name is Jeremiah, also i wrote this four years ago or so at 3am so there's a lot of terrible writing involved, don't question it much tbh, …Sexual Tension?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 13:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15002285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchleaves/pseuds/frenchleaves
Summary: Nagini loves Jeremiah, the Giant Squid, but it's not as easy as it sounds. She's a snake, he's a squid, and it wouldn't probably work out. However, Nagini is dead set into loving him.Originally posted on fanfiction.net in 2014-2015





	a short rendezvous

Nagini slithered through the damp grass near the Black lake. The sneaky snake liked to visit the humid place, as it was where her lover lived. Her frequent visits went unseen by her owner, the Dark Lord, so she could go there whenever she wanted.

The morning mist had gone and now it was clear enough for her to see her lover coming out of his place. One tentacle came out of the water and she could feel the tension building up. Another came out and Nagini took her tongue out to feel the smell of her lover, the Giant Squid, who liked to be called Jeremiah. The snake loved when Jeremiah teased her, it made her even eager to meet him.

She slithered towards one of the tentacles and felt it in queer happiness. Nagini hadn't seen the squid after two weeks because she had been assigned a mission by Voldemort, but now that she had finished, Nagini went directly to Jeremiah.

"Do you think I could possibly go in with you?" Nagini said in snalk, otherwise known as parseltongue, which she had been teaching the squid.

"I want you for apple juice." He said stumbling over the hisses. Merlin, he needed to keep practicing.

The snake nodded because she actually understood his intentions to get her underwater to his quarters. She was not a water snake, but her Lord had charmed her so she couldn't die except if someone killed the horocrux inside of her, which probably wouldn't happen, so she often took advantage of this to go under the Black Lake and reunite with Jeremiah. Gripping the tentacle so she wouldn't fall but couldn't hurt her lover, Nagini was taken to the water paradise. Her nostrils filled themselves with water but she didn't care because she knew it wouldn't affect her. She hissed to the grindylows near them in a friendly manner. Nagini liked those guys.

The mermen; however, were another story.

She narrowed her tiny black eyes at some that swam about a mile away from the snake and the squid. One of the mermen grumbled.

"Not that thing again!" The other, who turned out to be a mermaid rolled her eyes.

"Shut up, Quinky. The snake's not doing anything wrong."

"She's littering out precious lake!" Quinky complained.

Nagini wanted to hear the rest of their conversation, but Jeremiah kept their journey to his quarters. She shuddered from the coldness that started when they reached the bottom. Nagini could see tall plants and bushes where she could be slithering around if she was on dry land. Jeremiah's quarters were cold because they were at the bottom of the Black Lake, which was colder than most lakes, but other than that, it was perfect and even conspicuously clean considering it belonged to a squid.

Maybe it was because he had ten arms to clean. Voldemort's pet had none so she didn't know nor cared to clean her living space.

Nagini could see some trash. She noticed a burgundy book with golden letters that weren't clear but she could read 'Sirius Black's super secret journal: Prongs don't touch'. Nagini felt a familiarity with the title, but shrugged it off.

"Jeremiah, I see you've cleaned." She hissed.

"Yes, All the you." He tried to hiss back.

The snake would have laughed at his attempts at parseltongue if she could, but she was a snake and snakes didn't and couldn't laugh.

"Oh stop it, Jeremiah. You make me blush." She lied. Snakes couldn't really blush.

The squid's eye wrinkled in mirth. "You can't blush, orange, you're for snake. Whatever, how has you week Gales?"

Nagini shook her head. "Horrible," she hissed. "After my mission, I went back to my Lord's headquarters and arranged a meeting for the Death Eater pet club, where I wanted to read my poem, but no one arrived!"

"Than is sad, my orange," Jeremiah said with sadness in his hiss. "I'm sorry to you."

"You want to hear my poem? I wrote it thinking about you…" She hissed with sweetness. Jeremiah nodded. Nagini cleared her throat. "Okay, here it goes:

_My squid, my lover,_

_He really wants and apple,_

_Sometimes, when I'm over_

_I see him from every angle."_

Jeremiah looked at her with newfound confusedness. "Yeah, sure, my orange."

"You don't like it," Nagini hissed.

The squid looked around. "I do, seriously, but it's really cheesy and I don't like cheese. Otherwise, I love it."

"You love it? You love me?" Nagini hissed in desperation. Jeremiah shuddered at her clinginess.

"Geez, orange. I love it, but why would that make me love you? I mean I like you and all–"

Nagini shook her head. "Silly! I made it! So if you love it, you have to love me too!"

"Erm, I– I–" Jeremiah spluttered. "Okay then,"

But Nagini was not taking any of this shite.

"You don't love me, do you?" She hissed angrily.

The squid looked at her and somewhere where he could escape. He was really stupid enough not to just float away from Nagini who didn't know the way around the lake, but he was just a squid, so it was useless to hold that over him. "I– I do, my orange, but really, how about we cut this short rendezvous and we continue after? I've got some things to do, make, whatever you call it." The Giant Squid said quickly.

"I'm not going anywhere without you, Jeremiah, my lover." Nagini said. Jeremiah didn't really know what to do, so he did the first thing that came into his twisted mind.

He ate Nagini.

Well, he actually swallowed her whole, so he could feel her slithering in his stomach. The squid would have grimaced if he could. Having a living snake in your stomach was truly unnerving.

And that's the story of how the Dark Lord, also known as Voldemort, couldn't be killed and won the war.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen. Listen.
> 
> I wrote this when I was, well, 15 or 14 (it's kinda blurry) and it hasn't been edited since 2015, so beware some crunchy writing. I just wanted to share this with whomever reads because I still find it so goddamn funny. It's pretty short so eh whatever.
> 
> Also like, what the fuck was even going through my head. I'm sorry?? Kinda.
> 
> Enjoy!!


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